Thanks, friends.

I have been so happy lately.

I was talking with two of my best friends today at Greyhouse, and I was just amazed at how blessed I have been these past couple of months.
I guess the main thing God is working through for me lately is relationships. I've never been so happy to just be with people around me before. I honestly believe that that starts with my relationship with Christ. Since the beginning of the semester, the Lord has really been working on my heart and changing me continually.
It's so crazy how He is changing my perception of myself. I always thought that I was a more introverted and shy person, but He is showing me that my personality has just been waiting to come out all this time. Now I feel extroverted, and like this is the real me that I've been waiting to find.

Life is hard. I won't deny that. But I guess the difference is that when I'm finding my peace in Christ, all the hard stuff doesn't seem so hard. It feels like I can be joyful, even though it IS hard.

Anyway, I just want to thank you all. I know that last year I was kinda a dull friend. Thanks for accepting me and getting to know me all over again. I thank the Lord for you all everyday :)

Draw Near to the Throne

It's been a while. Life has been crazy, but good.
I've been super involved with Cru lately, which has been such a blessing in my life. We're doing a campaign called I Am Second. (iamsecond.com, check it out.) It has been a stretch, and has really asked us all to step out in our faith. It's really cool to see God move through that, though.

In this crazy busy semester, I'm finding myself re-evaluating a lot of things in my life. Mainly, I'm asking myself, "who am I?" It's a hard question to have to ask yourself at the age of 20. It feels like that is something that I should know. But, up until recently I've placed my identity in SO many things other than Christ. So how could I know who I am?

Campus House on Sunday helped me to know that while I'm trying to put my identity in Christ, the "meantime" doesn't have to mean "wasted time." Some things we talked about were quite in line with my life.

• Humble yourself: by saying "I'll never change" you're saying that you don't believe in the power of God. I've been trying to humble myself and let God change me. 
• Don't try to create your own reality: something I've been doing for a long time, and it's time to give it up.
• Know that God is doing something in the midst of what you're going through: definitely something I need reminded of often. 
• Be alert. Satan will try to pull you into self-sufficiency: He has. I am trying to be aware of that, and realize daily that God is offering me His help. I just have to take it.
• The stuff we're going through is real: God can be here for my problems and other people's problems that may seem bigger than mine. God is WAY bigger than we can even imagine. And I question if He can be here for my problems or if He thinks they're significant? Why?

In the midst of hurt and confusion, we can take solace in the power of Christ.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
-Hebrews 4:16

So that's what I'm doing. It's hard sometimes, but it's way better than trying to do life on my own.

Servants of the Lord

It's so easy to forget what we're here for. I do it all the time. I get caught up in what's going on in my life and totally forget the most important things.

We were made for God by God. We were made to be servants. To spread His word, to adore Him (in the fraction we are capable) in the way He adores us.

The definition of servant: a devoted and helpful follower or supporter: a tireless servant of God. 
"A tireless servant of God" was actually used in the definition as an example.

To be a servant is to be devoted, to be helpful, and to be tireless.
How often am I actually devoted and tireless as a servant of God? Most of the time, I don't even know what that looks like.

The truth is, we were made to serve Him. That is our purpose of being put on this earth. He knew that when He thought of us. When we let things that are in our lives get in the way of this true purpose--of this calling--we better be prepared to lose them. God will not let anything stand in the way of His purposes. No matter how painful it may be, He knows what is better for us, and if that means taking something that we're clinging to, He will do it.

"And now the Lord says, he who formed me from the womb to be his servant..."
Isaiah 49:5a

"You are my servant in whom I will be glorified."
Isaiah 49:3

"...I will make you as a light for the nations, that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth."
Isaiah 49:6b

He wants us to be His light to the world: through our actions on this earth, through worship, and through spreading His word.

Come, magnify the Son: Savior of the world, the hope for everyone. 
-Spirit Fall, Chris Tomlin

What Goes Unnoticed

I've been really noticing hurt lately.

Not just in myself, but in those around me. 

How can something so big go so unnoticed? I mean, someone could be hurting so much, but no one would ever know. It's so upsetting to me. It goes unnoticed partly because people put up a front. But I think it's mostly because no one takes the time to ask.

The other day, one of my friends asked me how I was doing. I said "alright," but I had actually had a pretty crappy day. Instead of just accepting that though, my friend kept pushing through. I really appreciate that. They weren't overbearing, but at the same time I got the chance to sort through how I was feeling, which was really helpful. 

Why can't we all do this? So many people are just wishing for someone to ask and truly care how they are. How many people have a front they put up? Acting funny, being standoffish, asking all about how you are so that the focus will stay off them? Just think about it. Look around you, even, and I guarantee you'll see it in the faces that are there. 

God wants for us to be there for each other. That's the whole reason He created community: so that we can listen to each other and build each other up and pray for each other. And not only that, but caring for people is one of the things that lets God's light shine through us.

By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

-John 13:35

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:2

Idols.

So what happens when learning reaches a dead end?

This past week has been slightly hard for me in the learning department. I just felt like I was being stagnant, not continuing to grow like I so desperately wanted.

I guess that's why God provided me with the reason it is happening.

This weekend Katie and I stayed at my sister's house in Chicago. It was so much fun! But, the part I want to talk about is what I learned at church--which was the answer I'd been looking for.

The speaker at church talked a little about idols. He said to ask yourself these questions:

What do you find yourself talking about most?

What dominates your thoughts?

Whatever your answer is, that is probably an idol in your life. Well, there it is. I knew right away what my current idol is.

This idol has definitely been standing in the way of my growth. When all you think about is something other than God, how can you grow IN God?

And, when I'm not growing in God, that gives Satan a chance to attack my mind and make me feel really insecure in who I am.

I'm not exactly sure how to go about removing an idol from my life, but I'm thinking this might help:

"...we know that 'an idol has no real existence', and that 'there is no God but one.' For although there may be so-called gods in heaven and on earth--as indeed there are many "gods" and many "lords"--yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we exist."

-1 Corinthians 8:4-6

The things that stick out to me in that are:

-idols don't really exist.

-there is only ONE God.

-all things are from Him.

-everything, us included, exists FOR Him.

So how could He not be my utmost thought? I guess it's a human flaw. But I want to fight it. I want to keep growing.

The truth is, the gospel show s us the emptiness of our idols, and it shows us how fulfilled we can truly be through God. YES.

Please Be My Strength

Such a beautiful song.

Please Be My Strength

I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
But I can't seem to find
My faith again

Like water on the sand
Or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short

So please be my strength
Please be my strength
'Cause I don't have any more
I don't have any more

I'm looking for a place
Where I can plant my faith
One thing I know for sure

I cannot create it
And I cannot sustain it
It's Your love
That's keeping me

Please be my strength
Please be my strength
I don't have any more
I don't have any more

And at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I fought the good fight
Of faith

I pray your glory shines
This doubting heart of mine
And all would know that You

You are my strength
You are my strength
You and You alone
You keep bringing me back home

Oh, You are my strength
You are my strength
You and You alone
Keep bringing me back home

It's You and You alone
Bringing me back home

Grace that is unrelenting.

Its crazy how He is breaking me down. Seems to me that I can’t get through any Cru/Campus House service without being totally mind-blown and/or crying these days. It’s a great thing, though.

First of all, Cru the other night was wonderful. I was really hit with a truth in my life: I was just living to be one of those people who get married, have a nice job, have kids, etc. And while all those things are great and I DO want them, that is not what I should be living for. I need to be living for the One who gave it all for me. How can I not? He has given me everything, so why have I not been giving Him everything in return? Until I can glorify God through things like a husband and family, I am going to glorify Him through my life as it is now.

Secondly, Campus House hit me with some serious truths this morning. Sometimes just hearing the power of the gospel is enough to take a person down. Ladies and Gents, it did. I mean with the gospel, the control I try to take on my life is confronted. If I just let go, I can experience an amazing freedom. Something I most definitely need to work on. Most importantly, I learned that the gospel doesn’t gloss over my past and pretend it didn’t happen. It saves me from it. And although it won’t just go away, and my struggles won’t go away, through the gospel [aka Jesus dying for me so that I don’t have to feel the guilt of imperfection] I can be healed and fight my past from overcoming me.

Knowing all that, it just makes me want to immerse myself in Christ even more.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

Let Love EXPLODE

Hello, friends.

The first week of classes has come to a close.

Since coming back to school, it's like I'm experiencing a brand new life. I have changed so much lately.

It's like God has given me the strength to finally be ME. I am able to come out of my shell now and be who I truly am. There is a transformation working in my heart and it is definitely one of the things I am most thankful for so far this year.

The other is my amazing friends. I feel so blessed to have so many people in my life that care for me. AND they were willing to forgive me for my less-than-enthusiastic attitude I had about everything last year. It's so awesome to be surrounded by a community of believers that are able to lift me up, give me advice, and most importantly give me love.

God has forgiven me for all of my past. It is the most freeing feeling. But, even though I know I'm forgiven, sometimes my past likes to come back and mess with me. It's scary sometimes, because although I know all these things are forgiven, it doesn't mean that my sinful nature can't come back. That is probably one of the things I fear most in my life. Satan can really get me down with the thoughts of my past sometimes.

God has so much grace for me and is continually challenging me. What a wonderfully blessed life I get to live.

"Let love EXPLODE and bring the dead to life. A love so bold to bring a revolution somehow."

^Such a good line. I'm gonna let His love explode in my life.

Amazing Compassion

Man. I'm just in astonishment right now at God's forgiveness.

I mean, seriously. He took ALL our sins on that cross. Every. Single. One. Not just some and not just someone else's.

I read in a book a new perspective on this. The author said that when Jesus was on that cross, He was relentlessly taking the blame for our sins. His father, who loved Him more than anyone, was filled with reproach and rebuked Him for every sin that He did not commit. Stealing, lying, cheating, sexual immorality, judging, you name it...He took the blame.

I think of the guilt and shame I feel after I do something I know is wrong. I can't even imagine feeling that shame and guilt AND every other possible sin's shame along with it. How did he do it? I'm absolutely amazed.

Thank you, Jesus, for taking compassion on us and atoning for all our sins.

An End and A Beginning.

I know that for a lot of people me being single now came as a shock. Including me.

But this post isn't for juicy relationship gossip or bashing or anything like that. Its to tell you about what God is teaching me.

Now, when I say that being single is a shock, I mean that I was shocked that we would be willing to end it to follow what we thought God was telling us. It's a hard thing, doing what He asks. It shouldn't be. But it is.

I always knew that there was a chance that the Big Guy could say "no" to my endeavors. I never thought He really would though.

Heartbreak sucks. Its the worst kind of pain I've ever had to endure. But something amazing happens when you follow God's directions blindly: He provides a kind of comfort that could come from no one else.

Through my heartbreak, which was a feeling that I thought I could never get rid of, God reached through my pain and showed me that there is more. There is more in store for me. This pain isn't the end of anything, but the beginning of a new lesson.

I have so many issues that I was neglecting in my life. All it takes to address them though is giving God total control. I use the word "all" tentatively, though, because it is actually an extremely hard thing to do.

I've spent my whole life going from one thing to another, controlling them all as I went. But now that He has taken something so huge away from me, I am learning to give control to Him, like I should have been all this time.

Don't get me wrong. This hasn't been roses and honey for me. It is a slow and painful process. But, with the help of my family, best friends, and above all my Savior, I am making it through.

I don't know what is in the future for me. Or who for that matter. I'm leaving that up to God. Stay tuned though, because I have a feeling that this is the beginning of something greater than I could have ever imagined for myself.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. ³For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

Colossians 3:1-4

Road Trip

So yesterday I got to head over to good 'ole Peru, Indiana to see some lovely girls from school. Peru is not very big and also has very little to do. We had fun anyway :)

After Peru I headed down to Kokomo where I visited my cousin Andrew and his wife, Kristine (who is pregnant! :). I had a lovely chat with them, and Zach and I are hoping to visit next weekend.

Anyway, the drive back was around two hours. Now, I love music, but I just felt different yesterday, like music just wasn't going to cut it. So I decided to ride in silence with the Big Guy Upstairs.

It was amazing. You know how people always say that God speaks in the silence? I don't doubt that that is true. He did something different with me yesterday, though. When I just listened, it actually got me talking. It was like suddenly I was pouring out all these things to Him that I hadn't even known were bothering me. It was crazy.

I was telling Him everything that I was worried about and even making realizations about my life that I couldn't come to before. For instance, I found that all the little things that bother me about a specific person changed when I stepped outside and looked at that specific relationship. It was like suddenly all those things were actually things that I loved about them.

He showed me how blessed I am in many areas of my life. It was just so cool to have that happen. I really encourage you all to try this.

:)

In the Quiet.

Today, in the quiet of nature I experienced a strangely familiar yet enlightening moment.

I know that doesn't make much sense, but I'll explain.

I was in the beautiful and highly unpopulated addition of Honeysuckle today, walking and running (yes, running, although very sporadically, I might add), when I just felt the holiness of God's creation. It is very large with lots of trees and fields out there. It made me feel so small.

Then, as I began to think of it on a lager scale, I realized that this wonderful addition was minuscule compared to the universe that God created. Heck, it's small compared to the rest of Indiana. And I'm even smaller.

How can it be that God can love me when I'm so small? It's incredible, really. I described this moment as strangely familiar and enlightening because it's not like I've never thought about this before. But, sometimes God has a way of speaking to us in the familiar.

Not only was I thinking about this, but also about other people. In that addition there were probably a total of twenty other people. A very small number compared to six billion. But, as I said before, God loves each and every one of them as much as the other. How can He be so unbiased? Sometimes I have trouble loving certain people; I'll be the first to admit that. Yet God loves all of us the same. Not one more than the other.

It is just so hard to wrap my mind around.

I'm reading this book, Desiring God, by John Piper. I'm not very far, but it is already modifying my perspective on God. Mainly that our purpose in life is to glorify Him, and His purpose is to be glorified. Vague, I know, but I'm sure there'll be more here in the future.

Friends, this summer has led to a lot of heart changes. One that I am really working on is having unconditional love like God.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-40

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

WHOA GUYS IT'S ACTUALLY WORKING.

If you look at my last post, I was all about the change. Well ladies and gents, it's actually happening!

God has been working so, so much in my life lately. At first, coming home was really hard. My oh-so-precious schedule that I was so used to changed, and I had every comfort of home take it's place. While that's nice, it definitely didn't help my relationship with Christ.

BUT. About a week ago, everything that God has been working inside me caused a change. YES.

I finally gave control over to Him. And it felt so, so good. It makes me wonder why my heart was so stubborn in the first place.

After that, things started to fall into place. Amazing things were happening with how I feel, my relationship with Zach, and the way I look at life in general.

Also, my family and I have been doing a diet. It's really working, too. We're eating healthier and exercising, and so far I've lost 16 pounds! :) It feels great to be striving to be all I can be for God.

Change is great, and I have only my Savior to thank for that. :)

Summer approaching...

I'm gonna be honest with you all; the biggest thing on my heart right now is summer approaching, and the changes that have to come with this particular summer.

I'ma get right to the point here, kids. I can't continue in my ways in my life. I have to make changes. I'm so sick of saying that, too. Mainly because I say it over and over and nothing happens. But I suppose that you just get to a point when change can't be avoided anymore, whether you like it or not. I'm to that point.

I want to want God. Not just want him, really. I want to desire Him above ALL else. This is the first major change I need to make.

I believe that with this all other changes will come. I will be healthier spiritually and therefore mentally and physically, too. I'm ready to do this. I can't ignore this small fire that is trying to turn into a blaze inside of me.

It's time.

A Father's Hand

I just watched something that really brought tears to my eyes.

I'm sitting here in Campus House, and I watched as one of the men who work here brought his daughter in for something or another. He brought her in through the door with her little puffy coat on and her hood up, and walked her over to the stairs. She had her little cup in her hand as they began walking up the stairs, one at a time, cup in one hand, dad's hand in the other. For ease, she handed her cup to her father, who took it immediately as if expecting it.

This all created some kind of big metaphor in my head. Or simile. Whatever.

See I remember doing things like this with my father, too. I remember feeling that as long as I had his hand in mine, there was no way I could fall. I walked up the stairs with confidence.

Then I started relating this to God. God holds my hand through anything, as long as I ask. So why can't I feel that same confidence I felt with my earthly father? Surely my Heavenly Father has much more strength, much more ability to catch me when I fall. All he asks for is my faith. And, when I need to get rid of some of the things I'm holding on to, he will be expecting them and ready to take them.

"Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying, 'Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt me?'"

This verse from Matthew 14:31 is a great example. Why do I ever doubt Him? He will always be there to catch me when I fall, and will never fail me when I need him to take what I'm holding on to.

Emily, since I know you're reading this, remember that your dad was an amazing man, and that he and God are both watching out for you, ready to catch you now when you fall at any moment. Love you, girl. :)

Want, want, want.

Well, It's like I said isn't it?

Resolutions fall through.

I had promised myself that this semester would be different, but it is still the same old stuff as before. It makes me sad.

I was thinking today during my Religions of the East class, actually. Instead of learning about Hinduism, I decided to sacrifice one lecture to learning more about my own religion. I read the bible, but what really helped me, I think, was just writing out what I was feeling.

I asked God a lot of questions today. I asked him how it was possible for me to always be wanting more when He has already given me so much: an amazing family, great friends, a man who loves me and wants to marry me someday, and most of all His son, who is always there to shelter me. How could I want any more?

Maybe I'm selfish, or maybe it's just my sinful nature as a human. But I'd really like to quit wanting and start appreciating. The Lord has given each and every one of us so much, and whether it is what we think we want or not, it is what we need. I need to stop worrying about what I want, and concentrate on what I have, which is all I need.

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:26-27

We ARE of more value than the birds. God will take care of it all. He will always give me what I need, and if I am living my life focused on Him, pretty soon what I need will be what I want.