Summer approaching...

I'm gonna be honest with you all; the biggest thing on my heart right now is summer approaching, and the changes that have to come with this particular summer.

I'ma get right to the point here, kids. I can't continue in my ways in my life. I have to make changes. I'm so sick of saying that, too. Mainly because I say it over and over and nothing happens. But I suppose that you just get to a point when change can't be avoided anymore, whether you like it or not. I'm to that point.

I want to want God. Not just want him, really. I want to desire Him above ALL else. This is the first major change I need to make.

I believe that with this all other changes will come. I will be healthier spiritually and therefore mentally and physically, too. I'm ready to do this. I can't ignore this small fire that is trying to turn into a blaze inside of me.

It's time.

A Father's Hand

I just watched something that really brought tears to my eyes.

I'm sitting here in Campus House, and I watched as one of the men who work here brought his daughter in for something or another. He brought her in through the door with her little puffy coat on and her hood up, and walked her over to the stairs. She had her little cup in her hand as they began walking up the stairs, one at a time, cup in one hand, dad's hand in the other. For ease, she handed her cup to her father, who took it immediately as if expecting it.

This all created some kind of big metaphor in my head. Or simile. Whatever.

See I remember doing things like this with my father, too. I remember feeling that as long as I had his hand in mine, there was no way I could fall. I walked up the stairs with confidence.

Then I started relating this to God. God holds my hand through anything, as long as I ask. So why can't I feel that same confidence I felt with my earthly father? Surely my Heavenly Father has much more strength, much more ability to catch me when I fall. All he asks for is my faith. And, when I need to get rid of some of the things I'm holding on to, he will be expecting them and ready to take them.

"Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying, 'Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt me?'"

This verse from Matthew 14:31 is a great example. Why do I ever doubt Him? He will always be there to catch me when I fall, and will never fail me when I need him to take what I'm holding on to.

Emily, since I know you're reading this, remember that your dad was an amazing man, and that he and God are both watching out for you, ready to catch you now when you fall at any moment. Love you, girl. :)

Want, want, want.

Well, It's like I said isn't it?

Resolutions fall through.

I had promised myself that this semester would be different, but it is still the same old stuff as before. It makes me sad.

I was thinking today during my Religions of the East class, actually. Instead of learning about Hinduism, I decided to sacrifice one lecture to learning more about my own religion. I read the bible, but what really helped me, I think, was just writing out what I was feeling.

I asked God a lot of questions today. I asked him how it was possible for me to always be wanting more when He has already given me so much: an amazing family, great friends, a man who loves me and wants to marry me someday, and most of all His son, who is always there to shelter me. How could I want any more?

Maybe I'm selfish, or maybe it's just my sinful nature as a human. But I'd really like to quit wanting and start appreciating. The Lord has given each and every one of us so much, and whether it is what we think we want or not, it is what we need. I need to stop worrying about what I want, and concentrate on what I have, which is all I need.

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:26-27

We ARE of more value than the birds. God will take care of it all. He will always give me what I need, and if I am living my life focused on Him, pretty soon what I need will be what I want.

resolutions fall through.

Have you ever noticed that resolutions fall through? Pretty much all the time...at least for me they do. I'm sick of making a resolution and not keeping it. It is frustrating.

So, this year, for New Year's, I'm not making a resolution.

No. This year, I'm making a decision. A decision to change my life. I am just so spiritually and physically and emotionally...empty. It is definitely time for a change, and although it's cliche, the new year is a perfect time to start.

So watch me. Watch me prove all my fears wrong. Cause this year, I'm finally doing it. And with the help of my Heavenly Father, I will be unstoppable.

:)

home.

When I'm home, I put things into perspective. I don't know what it is about home, but something makes me able to think clearer. It's like I want to please my family. And not in an over-achiever-I-can-never-be-good-enough kind of way, but just that I want to do things for them. They bring out my servant heart. Something I struggle to keep in everyday life. I want to keep it though. So I'm glad I get to have this reminder.

So, here I sit, watching Spongebob, waiting for my sister to wake up. Ah, just like old times.

Beautiful.

[big sigh]

There are so many things that God is working in me.

I had a bit of a falling out not too long ago. It was just hard for me to feel that desire to read my bible or the desire to do whatever God wants me to. But, once again, He has renewed me. As He always does.

I just can’t fathom God’s perfect timing and planning. Turns out, all these classes I’m taking while my major is undecided will apply fully to my new major. It’s so cool that God did that. I chose three classes as electives that were just random choices…and I actually needed them for my major!

Things like this are what teach me faith.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

He made everything beautiful. That includes me. Why is that so hard to remember? Why is it so hard to just listen to God telling me that I am beautiful? I may never know the answer. But, I am always going to strive to remember it.

I was thinking the other day how a song can seriously change your outlook on anything. I can walk to class, listening to Joshua Radin and feel completely relaxed. Next thing I know, the song “Mad World” comes on and I suddenly feel sad and skeptical of humans. Then the song “Beautiful” by Phil Wickham comes on and I feel so thankful for God and everything he has given me. All of this = why I love music so much.

Just some random thoughts. Thought you all might like a post since it has been so long.

Bicycle.

So I was riding my bike this morning.

Hmm. That sounds like the opening line of a joke.

But really. I was riding my bike this morning, on the way back from Math class. It's in EE. As far away from Shreve as you can get, I swear.

Anyway, I got on my bike, and something pretty cool happened. It just felt like the second I pushed the pedal down, I was flying. It was like I was moving through all these people, weaving in and out of them and the wind was crazy and it felt just so good.

But I don’t have a very nice bike.

In fact, it creaks and squeaks and squeals and makes just about any other noise you can think of.

A bus also nearly hits me every morning. It literally comes within two feet of me.

Oh, and there’s always those few people who are walking and they are listening to their ipod and texting and then they look up just in time to see me flying toward them, squeezing my breaks as hard as I can without flipping my bike. That’s when they step out of the way. A near heart attack every time.

Even though I experience these things every day, it doesn’t take away the love I have for my bike. It doesn’t take away the wind in my hair, the relief from the heat when it’s 90 degrees out, my amazement that someone as unbalanced as me can become balanced on two wheels, or the little chuckle and look that another biker and I share when we nearly collide.

All in all, I love my turquoise bike. It fits my personality well. And I’m glad I finally have somewhere besides my driveway to ride it.