I'm baaaaack.

So. Back from Costa Rica.

This year was so awesome! Honestly, I wasn't really sure why I was going at first. I mean, I didn't know why God wanted me on this trip. But I found out. Oh, did I find out.

In some ways, this year was like last year. But in more ways, it was different.

I know I'm being vague, but if i wrote about everything this would be ten pages long.

I learned so much about myself while I was there. And, I found out what was missing. Lately I've been really distant from God. And extremely selfish.

But I'm already working on it. And its going well. :) I just hope that this change in me sticks.

again with the changes.

So. I feel a change coming on! This happens to me routinely. I think I'm going to change, take care of my bad habits, and be a better person.

One problem: it never sticks.

It's so frustrating because I feel so empowered when I make a decision to change myself for the better, but then I never stick to it.

I want this time to be different.

I want to actually feel proud of myself for once. I want to be different and see the difference. I want to live the life I should be living for my Creator. I want to be an even better friend, daughter, and sister. I want to be healthy and happy.

Second problem: 'I' was said way too much in that paragraph.

If I want to truly be living for God, I have to stop thinking about myself so much. All of those things would be great to have, but I'll never have them until I stop being so self-centered. I think I can do it. With some help. I've already got an accountability partner to help. That's a good step. But now I need to take it further.

This is my desire
To honor You
Lord with all my heart
I worship You
All I have within me
I give You praise
All that I adore is in You

Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every Breath I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your way in me

-"Lord, I Give You My Heart," Micheal W. Smith

Random Thoughts.

So. Here I am on the eve of my graduation party. Am I supposed to feel grown up? Cause I don't.

If anything, I feel the same. Like I'm unchanging.

In some ways I want this summer to last forever. In others, I just want to get it over with and get to college.

The ways in favor of lasting forever are winning.

My hands are cold for the first time in like a week. Its been so flipping hot in my house.

I love Boy Meets World. If I could have that show on dvd, I would be a happy camper.

Why is "happy camper" a saying?

My shirt smells really good.

"My my heart like a kick drum." I like that.

^That sounded like a robot. I am robot.

A few minutes ago, our boat flew 10 feet in the air because of the wind from this storm.

I love thunderstorms.

Design your own background = awesome.

My bed looks really inviting right now.

I want to go to a beach. So bad.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

whoa. long post.

Sigh. Well, I wish that I was good at being a blogger. But I am clearly not. And, especially after reading Katie's posts, I don't think I'm a very good writer.

Oh well, I'll just do this my own way i guess. :)

Okay. So I've been noticing a few things lately.

1. Four years of high school went by really fast.

I can't even believe how fast they went. I'm ready to go to college, but at the same time, who ever really wants to grow up?

2. It takes effort to ignore someone.

Okay. So lately I've noticed that people can be really mean. Like seriously. When you just actually take time to listen to what people are saying, you'll be shocked. I mean here I am, sitting at the lunch table, when I hear someone who is supposed to be a loving Christian calling someone else a whore and saying that they hate her. What is that?!? God calls us to LOVE others. Not hate on them. And so what? She may have made some mistakes in her life. And maybe she's not very nice. But that does NOT give you the right to be saying those things about her. God loves all his children the same. He loves you as much as he loves her. If you think that your sins are somehow better than hers, you're wrong.

Wow. That is not where I was originally intending to go with that. I'll start a new number.

3. It takes effort to ignore someone.

So again, lately I've noticed that people can be really mean. I mean like I will be talking to someone, and in mid-sentence of what I'm saying, they will stop listening to me, and start talking to someone else. You know, I don't know about you, but I really don't enjoy that. And you can give the excuse that you just got distracted or whatever--but take it from someone who is very A.D.D....it takes effort to just ignore someone like that.

4. I want to better myself.

I've decided to better myself. I know that all you who read this are going to tell me that I'm not fat blah blah blah...but I know that I'm not the healthiest I could be. I don't want to get skinny. Cause having that mindset from experience just takes me bad places. But really, I just want to be healthier. And so far, I like doing it.

But I don't just want to better myself that way. I want to better myself for God too. I want to go deeper in His word. I want to learn.

5. My boyfriend is awesome.

So Zach and I have been together for 1 year and 3 months now. Not bad. :) We have definitely had our share of ups and downs. LOTS of them. But, I think that for being a high school relationship, we're doing pretty well. And he really works hard to treat me right, and I do the same. Which I think just totally makes him so awesome :).

Okay. I think that's it. Enjoy.

Life's Tough, Get A Helmet.

I know what you're thinking. And it's from Boy Meets World.

Ah. Its advice I should have taken for myself. Man, reading over that last blog just makes me feel so pathetic. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I mean, it does stink having to grow up. But really, it's just how life is. I don't know, maybe it's just easier to say that now that I'm starting to get my life figured out.

I'm so excited that I'm going to Purdue next year! The only thing that would make it better is if Zach would come. :( I'm gonna miss him so much. But, I know we'll be okay :)

On the bright side, I'll have some awesome people there with me (cough cough Katie and Becca).

Although it's nerve-racking, I'm sure God's got it all under control.

Blah.

I wish that life could be as simple as it used to be. I didn't have a care in the world. Life was so easy--so carefree. But now there's my future to think about. And finances. And college. And scholarships. And, and, and. It just seems to go on and on.

Oh, and I'm seriously considering the fact that there might be something wrong with my mental state. I mean I am feeling anxious all the time for no reason at all. Its so dumb. I mean one minute I'm fine and the next I just feel terrible. And I can't take control of it. I've prayed about it and sometimes that helps, but it just feels like its not going away. I feel like so often I'm just on the verge of tears. And that's not me. I'm not a crier. Never have been. But now? I'm not so sure.

I'm just sick of feeling this way.

Thanksgiving

Huh. Thanksgiving really never turns out how I hope it to be. Maybe my expectations are just too high.

I mean, I really wanted my whole family to be here. I mean cousins, aunts and uncles, the whole shebang. But that didn't happen. And more than anything, I wanted my boyfriend to be here.
I mean I know that he has to be with his family, and that's fine. But holidays are so freaking important to me. And I've had 10 months with this boy. I want so badly to share this with him.
But alas, instead of making this holiday great, I went and likely ruined it because I'm so freaking selfish. I feel terrible. Hardly any of my family is coming, I pissed Zach off, and I acted like a total brat. Great. This is just great. Maybe my dad was right about me. But that's another story for a different time. Well anyway. I'm sorry if you are one of the people I made this holdiay worse for. I truly am. Happy Thanksgiving. Hope its great for all of you.