Grace that is unrelenting.

Its crazy how He is breaking me down. Seems to me that I can’t get through any Cru/Campus House service without being totally mind-blown and/or crying these days. It’s a great thing, though.

First of all, Cru the other night was wonderful. I was really hit with a truth in my life: I was just living to be one of those people who get married, have a nice job, have kids, etc. And while all those things are great and I DO want them, that is not what I should be living for. I need to be living for the One who gave it all for me. How can I not? He has given me everything, so why have I not been giving Him everything in return? Until I can glorify God through things like a husband and family, I am going to glorify Him through my life as it is now.

Secondly, Campus House hit me with some serious truths this morning. Sometimes just hearing the power of the gospel is enough to take a person down. Ladies and Gents, it did. I mean with the gospel, the control I try to take on my life is confronted. If I just let go, I can experience an amazing freedom. Something I most definitely need to work on. Most importantly, I learned that the gospel doesn’t gloss over my past and pretend it didn’t happen. It saves me from it. And although it won’t just go away, and my struggles won’t go away, through the gospel [aka Jesus dying for me so that I don’t have to feel the guilt of imperfection] I can be healed and fight my past from overcoming me.

Knowing all that, it just makes me want to immerse myself in Christ even more.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

Let Love EXPLODE

Hello, friends.

The first week of classes has come to a close.

Since coming back to school, it's like I'm experiencing a brand new life. I have changed so much lately.

It's like God has given me the strength to finally be ME. I am able to come out of my shell now and be who I truly am. There is a transformation working in my heart and it is definitely one of the things I am most thankful for so far this year.

The other is my amazing friends. I feel so blessed to have so many people in my life that care for me. AND they were willing to forgive me for my less-than-enthusiastic attitude I had about everything last year. It's so awesome to be surrounded by a community of believers that are able to lift me up, give me advice, and most importantly give me love.

God has forgiven me for all of my past. It is the most freeing feeling. But, even though I know I'm forgiven, sometimes my past likes to come back and mess with me. It's scary sometimes, because although I know all these things are forgiven, it doesn't mean that my sinful nature can't come back. That is probably one of the things I fear most in my life. Satan can really get me down with the thoughts of my past sometimes.

God has so much grace for me and is continually challenging me. What a wonderfully blessed life I get to live.

"Let love EXPLODE and bring the dead to life. A love so bold to bring a revolution somehow."

^Such a good line. I'm gonna let His love explode in my life.

Amazing Compassion

Man. I'm just in astonishment right now at God's forgiveness.

I mean, seriously. He took ALL our sins on that cross. Every. Single. One. Not just some and not just someone else's.

I read in a book a new perspective on this. The author said that when Jesus was on that cross, He was relentlessly taking the blame for our sins. His father, who loved Him more than anyone, was filled with reproach and rebuked Him for every sin that He did not commit. Stealing, lying, cheating, sexual immorality, judging, you name it...He took the blame.

I think of the guilt and shame I feel after I do something I know is wrong. I can't even imagine feeling that shame and guilt AND every other possible sin's shame along with it. How did he do it? I'm absolutely amazed.

Thank you, Jesus, for taking compassion on us and atoning for all our sins.

An End and A Beginning.

I know that for a lot of people me being single now came as a shock. Including me.

But this post isn't for juicy relationship gossip or bashing or anything like that. Its to tell you about what God is teaching me.

Now, when I say that being single is a shock, I mean that I was shocked that we would be willing to end it to follow what we thought God was telling us. It's a hard thing, doing what He asks. It shouldn't be. But it is.

I always knew that there was a chance that the Big Guy could say "no" to my endeavors. I never thought He really would though.

Heartbreak sucks. Its the worst kind of pain I've ever had to endure. But something amazing happens when you follow God's directions blindly: He provides a kind of comfort that could come from no one else.

Through my heartbreak, which was a feeling that I thought I could never get rid of, God reached through my pain and showed me that there is more. There is more in store for me. This pain isn't the end of anything, but the beginning of a new lesson.

I have so many issues that I was neglecting in my life. All it takes to address them though is giving God total control. I use the word "all" tentatively, though, because it is actually an extremely hard thing to do.

I've spent my whole life going from one thing to another, controlling them all as I went. But now that He has taken something so huge away from me, I am learning to give control to Him, like I should have been all this time.

Don't get me wrong. This hasn't been roses and honey for me. It is a slow and painful process. But, with the help of my family, best friends, and above all my Savior, I am making it through.

I don't know what is in the future for me. Or who for that matter. I'm leaving that up to God. Stay tuned though, because I have a feeling that this is the beginning of something greater than I could have ever imagined for myself.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. ³For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

Colossians 3:1-4

Road Trip

So yesterday I got to head over to good 'ole Peru, Indiana to see some lovely girls from school. Peru is not very big and also has very little to do. We had fun anyway :)

After Peru I headed down to Kokomo where I visited my cousin Andrew and his wife, Kristine (who is pregnant! :). I had a lovely chat with them, and Zach and I are hoping to visit next weekend.

Anyway, the drive back was around two hours. Now, I love music, but I just felt different yesterday, like music just wasn't going to cut it. So I decided to ride in silence with the Big Guy Upstairs.

It was amazing. You know how people always say that God speaks in the silence? I don't doubt that that is true. He did something different with me yesterday, though. When I just listened, it actually got me talking. It was like suddenly I was pouring out all these things to Him that I hadn't even known were bothering me. It was crazy.

I was telling Him everything that I was worried about and even making realizations about my life that I couldn't come to before. For instance, I found that all the little things that bother me about a specific person changed when I stepped outside and looked at that specific relationship. It was like suddenly all those things were actually things that I loved about them.

He showed me how blessed I am in many areas of my life. It was just so cool to have that happen. I really encourage you all to try this.

:)

In the Quiet.

Today, in the quiet of nature I experienced a strangely familiar yet enlightening moment.

I know that doesn't make much sense, but I'll explain.

I was in the beautiful and highly unpopulated addition of Honeysuckle today, walking and running (yes, running, although very sporadically, I might add), when I just felt the holiness of God's creation. It is very large with lots of trees and fields out there. It made me feel so small.

Then, as I began to think of it on a lager scale, I realized that this wonderful addition was minuscule compared to the universe that God created. Heck, it's small compared to the rest of Indiana. And I'm even smaller.

How can it be that God can love me when I'm so small? It's incredible, really. I described this moment as strangely familiar and enlightening because it's not like I've never thought about this before. But, sometimes God has a way of speaking to us in the familiar.

Not only was I thinking about this, but also about other people. In that addition there were probably a total of twenty other people. A very small number compared to six billion. But, as I said before, God loves each and every one of them as much as the other. How can He be so unbiased? Sometimes I have trouble loving certain people; I'll be the first to admit that. Yet God loves all of us the same. Not one more than the other.

It is just so hard to wrap my mind around.

I'm reading this book, Desiring God, by John Piper. I'm not very far, but it is already modifying my perspective on God. Mainly that our purpose in life is to glorify Him, and His purpose is to be glorified. Vague, I know, but I'm sure there'll be more here in the future.

Friends, this summer has led to a lot of heart changes. One that I am really working on is having unconditional love like God.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-40

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

WHOA GUYS IT'S ACTUALLY WORKING.

If you look at my last post, I was all about the change. Well ladies and gents, it's actually happening!

God has been working so, so much in my life lately. At first, coming home was really hard. My oh-so-precious schedule that I was so used to changed, and I had every comfort of home take it's place. While that's nice, it definitely didn't help my relationship with Christ.

BUT. About a week ago, everything that God has been working inside me caused a change. YES.

I finally gave control over to Him. And it felt so, so good. It makes me wonder why my heart was so stubborn in the first place.

After that, things started to fall into place. Amazing things were happening with how I feel, my relationship with Zach, and the way I look at life in general.

Also, my family and I have been doing a diet. It's really working, too. We're eating healthier and exercising, and so far I've lost 16 pounds! :) It feels great to be striving to be all I can be for God.

Change is great, and I have only my Savior to thank for that. :)