resolutions fall through.

Have you ever noticed that resolutions fall through? Pretty much all the time...at least for me they do. I'm sick of making a resolution and not keeping it. It is frustrating.

So, this year, for New Year's, I'm not making a resolution.

No. This year, I'm making a decision. A decision to change my life. I am just so spiritually and physically and emotionally...empty. It is definitely time for a change, and although it's cliche, the new year is a perfect time to start.

So watch me. Watch me prove all my fears wrong. Cause this year, I'm finally doing it. And with the help of my Heavenly Father, I will be unstoppable.

:)

home.

When I'm home, I put things into perspective. I don't know what it is about home, but something makes me able to think clearer. It's like I want to please my family. And not in an over-achiever-I-can-never-be-good-enough kind of way, but just that I want to do things for them. They bring out my servant heart. Something I struggle to keep in everyday life. I want to keep it though. So I'm glad I get to have this reminder.

So, here I sit, watching Spongebob, waiting for my sister to wake up. Ah, just like old times.

Beautiful.

[big sigh]

There are so many things that God is working in me.

I had a bit of a falling out not too long ago. It was just hard for me to feel that desire to read my bible or the desire to do whatever God wants me to. But, once again, He has renewed me. As He always does.

I just can’t fathom God’s perfect timing and planning. Turns out, all these classes I’m taking while my major is undecided will apply fully to my new major. It’s so cool that God did that. I chose three classes as electives that were just random choices…and I actually needed them for my major!

Things like this are what teach me faith.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

He made everything beautiful. That includes me. Why is that so hard to remember? Why is it so hard to just listen to God telling me that I am beautiful? I may never know the answer. But, I am always going to strive to remember it.

I was thinking the other day how a song can seriously change your outlook on anything. I can walk to class, listening to Joshua Radin and feel completely relaxed. Next thing I know, the song “Mad World” comes on and I suddenly feel sad and skeptical of humans. Then the song “Beautiful” by Phil Wickham comes on and I feel so thankful for God and everything he has given me. All of this = why I love music so much.

Just some random thoughts. Thought you all might like a post since it has been so long.

Bicycle.

So I was riding my bike this morning.

Hmm. That sounds like the opening line of a joke.

But really. I was riding my bike this morning, on the way back from Math class. It's in EE. As far away from Shreve as you can get, I swear.

Anyway, I got on my bike, and something pretty cool happened. It just felt like the second I pushed the pedal down, I was flying. It was like I was moving through all these people, weaving in and out of them and the wind was crazy and it felt just so good.

But I don’t have a very nice bike.

In fact, it creaks and squeaks and squeals and makes just about any other noise you can think of.

A bus also nearly hits me every morning. It literally comes within two feet of me.

Oh, and there’s always those few people who are walking and they are listening to their ipod and texting and then they look up just in time to see me flying toward them, squeezing my breaks as hard as I can without flipping my bike. That’s when they step out of the way. A near heart attack every time.

Even though I experience these things every day, it doesn’t take away the love I have for my bike. It doesn’t take away the wind in my hair, the relief from the heat when it’s 90 degrees out, my amazement that someone as unbalanced as me can become balanced on two wheels, or the little chuckle and look that another biker and I share when we nearly collide.

All in all, I love my turquoise bike. It fits my personality well. And I’m glad I finally have somewhere besides my driveway to ride it.

What Do I Know of Holy?

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?

"What do I know of Holy?" Addison Road

Sunshine and Fountains

Gosh. Two of my friends are just so right.

They both were talking about the same things this week--relaxing, taking life in, enjoying what's around you.

Life is hard. I mean, there are just so many changes happening all the time. Here I am, in college, and what have I done? I've stressed about new things happening, getting assignments done, managing my time...but have I actually enjoyed myself?

But back to my friends. Both are such amazing writers (you know who you are :) ) and they just make me realize that while studying and being prepared are important, this is going to go by so fast. Its going to be over in four short years. And also, there are so many things I'm missing. Just simple truths God is putting out there for us to enjoy: a sunny, but breezy day; the crisp air that is a sure sign of fall coming; friends laughing around me, showing me what life is about in their own individual ways. All of these things are things I should be paying close attention to, and not only that, but rejoicing in them and enjoying them.

I laid in the sun today by the fountain, talking to the man I love. It was just glorious.

So thank you girls. Thank you for being my friends and bringing me back to what's important.

Mad World

Well, I'm officially a Boilermaker! :)

Moving in was way easier than i expected it to go. Emily (my roommate) and I both got moved in relatively fast. Everything fits nicely and is great :)

BGR was totally awesome. I learned so much about school, and had a lot of fun doing it. I feel like maybe I won't be so lost now.

As for meeting new people...yes, I've done that. But I'm not sure that it's anyone that I'll be lifelong friends with. That's one reason why I can't wait for Cru to start. I know I'll be meeting a lot of new people there. :)

The only thing I don't like so far is when I have down time. I have no idea what to do with myself. But that's okay. It's only the first week and I know I'm going to have plenty of opportunities.

I miss Zach a lot. But we've been having good communication, and I'm really proud of him for getting all settled in in his apartment and getting his independent life started :)

So, after this first week at college, all I really have to say is...

BOILER UP!

I'm baaaaack.

So. Back from Costa Rica.

This year was so awesome! Honestly, I wasn't really sure why I was going at first. I mean, I didn't know why God wanted me on this trip. But I found out. Oh, did I find out.

In some ways, this year was like last year. But in more ways, it was different.

I know I'm being vague, but if i wrote about everything this would be ten pages long.

I learned so much about myself while I was there. And, I found out what was missing. Lately I've been really distant from God. And extremely selfish.

But I'm already working on it. And its going well. :) I just hope that this change in me sticks.

again with the changes.

So. I feel a change coming on! This happens to me routinely. I think I'm going to change, take care of my bad habits, and be a better person.

One problem: it never sticks.

It's so frustrating because I feel so empowered when I make a decision to change myself for the better, but then I never stick to it.

I want this time to be different.

I want to actually feel proud of myself for once. I want to be different and see the difference. I want to live the life I should be living for my Creator. I want to be an even better friend, daughter, and sister. I want to be healthy and happy.

Second problem: 'I' was said way too much in that paragraph.

If I want to truly be living for God, I have to stop thinking about myself so much. All of those things would be great to have, but I'll never have them until I stop being so self-centered. I think I can do it. With some help. I've already got an accountability partner to help. That's a good step. But now I need to take it further.

This is my desire
To honor You
Lord with all my heart
I worship You
All I have within me
I give You praise
All that I adore is in You

Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every Breath I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your way in me

-"Lord, I Give You My Heart," Micheal W. Smith

Random Thoughts.

So. Here I am on the eve of my graduation party. Am I supposed to feel grown up? Cause I don't.

If anything, I feel the same. Like I'm unchanging.

In some ways I want this summer to last forever. In others, I just want to get it over with and get to college.

The ways in favor of lasting forever are winning.

My hands are cold for the first time in like a week. Its been so flipping hot in my house.

I love Boy Meets World. If I could have that show on dvd, I would be a happy camper.

Why is "happy camper" a saying?

My shirt smells really good.

"My my heart like a kick drum." I like that.

^That sounded like a robot. I am robot.

A few minutes ago, our boat flew 10 feet in the air because of the wind from this storm.

I love thunderstorms.

Design your own background = awesome.

My bed looks really inviting right now.

I want to go to a beach. So bad.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

whoa. long post.

Sigh. Well, I wish that I was good at being a blogger. But I am clearly not. And, especially after reading Katie's posts, I don't think I'm a very good writer.

Oh well, I'll just do this my own way i guess. :)

Okay. So I've been noticing a few things lately.

1. Four years of high school went by really fast.

I can't even believe how fast they went. I'm ready to go to college, but at the same time, who ever really wants to grow up?

2. It takes effort to ignore someone.

Okay. So lately I've noticed that people can be really mean. Like seriously. When you just actually take time to listen to what people are saying, you'll be shocked. I mean here I am, sitting at the lunch table, when I hear someone who is supposed to be a loving Christian calling someone else a whore and saying that they hate her. What is that?!? God calls us to LOVE others. Not hate on them. And so what? She may have made some mistakes in her life. And maybe she's not very nice. But that does NOT give you the right to be saying those things about her. God loves all his children the same. He loves you as much as he loves her. If you think that your sins are somehow better than hers, you're wrong.

Wow. That is not where I was originally intending to go with that. I'll start a new number.

3. It takes effort to ignore someone.

So again, lately I've noticed that people can be really mean. I mean like I will be talking to someone, and in mid-sentence of what I'm saying, they will stop listening to me, and start talking to someone else. You know, I don't know about you, but I really don't enjoy that. And you can give the excuse that you just got distracted or whatever--but take it from someone who is very A.D.D....it takes effort to just ignore someone like that.

4. I want to better myself.

I've decided to better myself. I know that all you who read this are going to tell me that I'm not fat blah blah blah...but I know that I'm not the healthiest I could be. I don't want to get skinny. Cause having that mindset from experience just takes me bad places. But really, I just want to be healthier. And so far, I like doing it.

But I don't just want to better myself that way. I want to better myself for God too. I want to go deeper in His word. I want to learn.

5. My boyfriend is awesome.

So Zach and I have been together for 1 year and 3 months now. Not bad. :) We have definitely had our share of ups and downs. LOTS of them. But, I think that for being a high school relationship, we're doing pretty well. And he really works hard to treat me right, and I do the same. Which I think just totally makes him so awesome :).

Okay. I think that's it. Enjoy.

Life's Tough, Get A Helmet.

I know what you're thinking. And it's from Boy Meets World.

Ah. Its advice I should have taken for myself. Man, reading over that last blog just makes me feel so pathetic. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I mean, it does stink having to grow up. But really, it's just how life is. I don't know, maybe it's just easier to say that now that I'm starting to get my life figured out.

I'm so excited that I'm going to Purdue next year! The only thing that would make it better is if Zach would come. :( I'm gonna miss him so much. But, I know we'll be okay :)

On the bright side, I'll have some awesome people there with me (cough cough Katie and Becca).

Although it's nerve-racking, I'm sure God's got it all under control.

Blah.

I wish that life could be as simple as it used to be. I didn't have a care in the world. Life was so easy--so carefree. But now there's my future to think about. And finances. And college. And scholarships. And, and, and. It just seems to go on and on.

Oh, and I'm seriously considering the fact that there might be something wrong with my mental state. I mean I am feeling anxious all the time for no reason at all. Its so dumb. I mean one minute I'm fine and the next I just feel terrible. And I can't take control of it. I've prayed about it and sometimes that helps, but it just feels like its not going away. I feel like so often I'm just on the verge of tears. And that's not me. I'm not a crier. Never have been. But now? I'm not so sure.

I'm just sick of feeling this way.